Let me know Wassssup!

To all future friends/acquaintences/suitors/dates/hangouts/whatever...

I decided to write this as it has come to my attention in the last over year of living here that I will be writing this over and over again and with three classes, countless amounts of writing to do, and other projects I want to take on and work on, it's much easier to just write it in one place, be honest about it, and let you decide for yourself how you want to proceed with the information you are given. This is sorta an FAQ about me...

Most commonly asked questions to Mariam...

1. Why are you in Sacramento? What made you move here?

That's just it. I didn't come here by choice, you see my mom passed away two years ago. I lived almost my entire life (I was born in Michigan) in Seattle and I was with my mom and I was very happy there. Yes, it is a bit too cold for my liking at times, but that's mostly cause I had no car most of my life and had to walk everywhere. Most all of my friends are up there, I know the area like the back of my hand unlike here, and I enjoyed the learning and the work I did there. What made me move here is my dad, literally. He has been on my case about moving here to be with him since my mom and I first divorced him back in the early 90's. It was his obsession to have me here and even more so without mom in the picture, he could make this happen.

I was so depressed about losing the only parent/friend I ever had that I was pretty much fatalistic and wanted to die anyway, so I figured if I only had a few months to live (losing all of one side of your family does not help your hypochondria) I might as well go where someone can quickly get me to the hospital and let me live out my hours there. Honestly people, that was my mindset. I slept most of my first nights here with my will in bed with me. So, no, normal people don't move somewhere they don't want to go, but now maybe you see where my mind was at.

2. Why are you going to school? What are you taking? What are you going for?

Another to be honest with you, my mind wasn't in a state of a plan for the school thing. Honestly, I signed up for school to combat my depression and utter loneliness. I have been doing straight A's and getting 4.0's but it was a byproduct of the fact I wasn't allowed to be me or to socialize here and not knowing anyone and being depressed, school became the one constant in my life I could count on, with so much chaos surrounding me. I am sure when I see the counselor next month they will have a term for what I was doing.

Now, I am actually enjoying the process of school and hope to get that bachelor's degree after all as I did go to college many years ago and all my experience put together, I may be closer to that degree than I thought, but no, there was no plan when I frst ran off to CRC to attend classes and be around humans.

3. When can I see you? date you? take you out at night?

This is for the guys in particular. I know it seems confusing if I am reaching out for human contact, yet can't take you up on your offer to continue with that contact. Forgive my loneliness for confusing you. I am pretty much in a prison system right now. It is the prison that my father has created for me. I am not saying he may not have some valid arguments (my diabetes, poor health) to justify not going out by myself and being reckless with my health. I get that. But everyone knows you don't put someone in solitary if they are dealing with depression and the loss of one whole side of their entire family (and I am an only child, to boot). I do have a very short window to spend time with folks and do things, and for some, they are working with it, and others just don't get it at all.

I'll be honest with you, even if I could live my life the way I wanted, I wouldn't first see you at night or bring you to my house when I don't know you. But I still believe meeting for a coffee or a lunch is perfectly normal and I can do something along those lines. If something can come from that, well, I am working on getting counseling now, healthcare education for my diabetes, and get away from my father so I can lead a normal life, but again, I have my own boundaries too, so don't assume I am some wild girl who will change when I have my rights and freedom again. I am not that person, nor am I this one. I am somewhere in the rational middle.lol

4. When can I call you? Please call me! Call! Call! Call! Call! I don't want to talk on email anymore, CALLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEE! I'm bored too.

Ok, LOL. I get that you love the phone. But for me, it's a different situation. I am on a fixed income, and about 20.00 a month is all I have to spend on a phone, so I get the tracfone and buy cards with double minutes which gives me about two hours PER MONTH. That's per month, folks. I can do some very quick chats, but I keep it mostly to texts for any kinds of communication. This does not mean I don't like you, love you, love my country or any other such things. It just means I am poor, and working with what I got. I don't have a home phone, cause I don't live in my own home, and dad doesn't even want me to associate with most people.

So, a few calls that I make to take care of business matters (like doc appts, counselor appts), one or two phone calls, and this last month family took up an extra 10.00 card trying to talk to me to talk to each other when they should havce just talked to each other and there went my whole phone card. I have already spent 20.00 more this month than I planned on, so yeah, it's not a game. It's just called I don't have the money to talk to you.lol I do however, do a lot of Facebook, msn chat, and you can always email me if you need to talk. I am doing the best that I can.

5. How old are you? Aren't you an adult?

Well, if I had even a penny for how often this has been asked of me since I moved here, I could go and start my own Trump Tower, but sadly, no matter how much you or I or the reasonable person can exhaust this argument of my age, it's not something my father can comprehend. And though you think it will be so easy and just great for me to stand up to him, without a firm plan in place, it just ends up me pissing him off and having a night of verbal abuse I don't need right now when dealing with my depression. I'm fragile too. I haven't gotten to scream, cry or really let it out since my mother died, and certainly can't do it here. So, realize that in your world, what you are suggesting makes perfect sense, but in mine, it is a recipe for disaster.

6. What is wrong with your father?

Good question and it has taken me this full year living day in day out and with no one else around to ask myself this question over and over. But from what I can gather, it is a mixture of things. Some PTSD, OCD, agoraphobia, and all the control issues I remember from when I was young and helped my mom leave him the first time around dealing with this. He was much more physically violent then, and that is why I have my fears and don't want to make any sudden moves until I am ready and have an idea of where I am going to go or what I am going to do.

Counseling is the first step, I believe. After a while, victims of any kind of abuse not only believe the abuser, but have some mental roadblocks that they too start to deal with as time wears on. But if any of dad's family should be reading this, I am not assaulting your brother/uncle/son/etc in my estimation of this, I am just stating the facts, and my current doctor/nurse/nutritionists and other official people have all stated that they want me out of this situation. So it is not just my friends up north, who you all may think are stupid young people and what do they know? Of course, I don't agree with this estimation but I at least am providing some backup to my story. It is not just affecting my mental and emotional health, and my depression, but also my physical health. In effect, it is slowly killing me.

I know there are other questions, but I want you to really read what I said above, before you shoot at me any of these same questions. I really can't give you a better answer than this as this is what I am dealing with right now and it is my reality until I can change it.

Also, I am type 1 diabetic and dealing with my poor health, depression, grief from deaths of three major relatives, loneliness, and victim of abuse.

I want to make friends, but know what you are getting into, cause I came from a very happy place and in a short time, this is where I am today. Thank you for reading this and send me any questions at evrybdy09@gmail.com